She is in my trunk
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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