It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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