I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the condom got lost in my hair
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
