Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
