And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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