I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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