I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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