My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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