He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
