OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
