I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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