Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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