Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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