You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize