I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
