While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
