I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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