I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
