Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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