My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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