I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
