Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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