A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
pray to the hookup gods
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
