I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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