Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
