I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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