Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
