I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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