I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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