Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
