as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
