when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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