Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
it was like eating out sand paper
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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