i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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