I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
