last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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