tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
