The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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