he puts the penis in happiness.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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