I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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