6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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