wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
