True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
