I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
