The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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