My friends, they love my intelligence
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
