also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
