if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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