Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
