All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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