so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
