shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
