Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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