You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
