im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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