The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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