New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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