I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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