I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize